To: Polar Bears
From: NGO’s who support Global Climate Change via warming
Subject: Start dieing!
It has come to our attention in recent months that there have been a couple of surveys which have indicated your numbers are rising. In February 2013, Government of Nunavut has declared your numbers are increasing. We managed to keep this largely out of the world media but some newspapers in Canada (like the Globe and Mail and National Post) did find out and reported this alarming find. Now imagine our horror to discover the April 2013 Journal of Wildlife Management has now also published an article which supports your numbers are rising!
This is of grave concern to us. We have launched many campaigns to raise money for your survival. We hope to spend the money raised supporting government initiatives to find creative ways to make companies and people on this planet pay for allowing a certain gas, called carbon dioxide. We believe that this gas is being added to the planet’s atmosphere at a quantity greater than that permitted by nature, and as a result, the planet it warming up. Now far be it for us to tell you that a warming planet it perilous to your survival! A warming planet will result in less sea ice and you will all die. And as a result of this unassailable logic, you have become the poster child for global warming. You are large, white, and live near the frozen northern seas.
These recent, alarming findings that your numbers are increasing are of grave concern to us. The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Services is gathering evidence to declare you meet the criterion to be put on the ‘endangered species’ list as a result of global warming. If the alarming news of your numbers increasing were to truly venture beyond the Canadian press, then it could have a catastrophic effect on declaring you endangered and the future prosperity of both our organisations and the western governments of the world. Why, people might start to rise up and say your numbers only ever decreased due to hunting, and/or maybe you are perfectly adapted to hunting on land as well as sea given you only diverged from the brown bears gradually over the last 500,000 years and coming into your own existence a mere 10,000 years ago!
So, we wanted to send you this collective memo to ask, nay, beg of you – please start dieing! We need increasing evidence that your numbers are falling. It would assist even more if you could possibly starve yourself before you die and also ensure you drag yourself to near a human settlement to die so we can photograph your emaciated body for our campaign purposes.
Thank you so much for your assistance in this matter and we look forward to your co-operation going forward.
Note :: Yes the above article is extremely tongue in cheek, but it does make you wonder about the motives behind the people who campaign for a specific cause and get frustrated when the science (or numbers in this case) do not add up to supporting their wish! Personally, I am celebrating that the polar bear numbers appear to be stable! I worry more about hunting and pollution having an effect on the polar bears than climate change at this time.